Please, Mr. President
Mike Nolan • August 3, 2023
Pest Management an Olympic sport?
“Good evening, America! This is sports reporter, Johnny Fellini, live at the 2024 Paris Olympics. I’m thrilled to report that America just grabbed the gold in the newly added sport of pest management!”
“Competition was fierce early on, but U.S. team captain Gilberto Rios executed a superb ‘rat trap toss’ followed with a rare triple axel ‘ladder ascent.’ And when team compadre Alfredo “Pollo” Moreno completed the grueling ‘State of California paperwork marathon’ in record time, the fat lady sang her swan song for the badly outplayed ‘baseboard splashers’ from Team Liechtenstein.”
“And that gorgeous fat lady kept on crooning in the ‘crawl space race’ as Cornell ‘Cornbread’ Bredford fumed the competition by nimbly wriggling under a floor beam in a show of dexterity that would make a Mongolian acrobat turn green with envy. Take that, Mongolia!”
“Unfortunately, in a classless move, the manager of Team Liechtenstein lodged a formal complaint, claiming Cornbread’s maneuver was illegal. But the judges ruled in our favor as the crowd serenaded the disgraced manager with jeers, catcalls, and a few well-deserved obscene gestures. Better luck in four years, sore loser!”
“In the grueling ‘termite report typing joust’, Alejandra ‘Chata’ Etrador delivered a karate chop keystroke to all rivals with her brilliantly executed ‘control + alt + delete’ followed by a sneak attack ‘caps lock’ as the crowd rose to their feet, chanting, ‘best Olympics ever, best Olympics ever!’”
“My sources tell me this was the most viewed event in television history, beating royal weddings and funerals by a long shot. Congratulations to the geniuses at the Olympic Committee for adding pest management as an Olympic sport! This is Johnny Fellini, sports reporter extraordinaire, signing off.”
So, Mr. Thomas Bach, president of the Olympic Committee, as I have just illustrated, the entire world will call you a genius if you take my suggestion and add pest management as an Olympic sport at the 2024 Paris Olympics. Thank you for reading my letter.
Very truly yours—Michael A. Nolan, Home Defenders Pest Management. And have an Olympic-size week, everyone!
Are You Fragile? “Crazy!” Huh? I just spoke with one of my regular readers at the supermarket, and his words shocked me. “I read your crazy articles every week,” he said, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat. And that’s not the first time a reader has called my articles crazy. What is going on? I write a serious column about household pest management. And I’m a classically trained writer, well-read in Chaucer, Lord Byron, and Shakespeare. Are some of my readers misinterpreting something? Missing something? Are my articles a mirror that reveals the cracks in their own fragile psyches? No, dear readers, none of my articles are crazy. If you don’t believe me, just ask my imaginary companion since childhood, a pet rat named Skeeter. Hey, Skeeter, do you think my articles are nutty? “Negatory on that, good buddy.” You see, he agrees with me! This is just your typical small-town pest advice column—nothing nutty going on here. “10-4 on that. Breaker, breaker, there’s a smoky in the granny lane on the I-5 near the Grapevine.” Uh, sorry folks, Skeeter is obsessed with trucker’s slang. Just ignore that. But what you shouldn’t ignore is Skeeter’s advice on which company you should call when pests become a problem. Take it away, Skeeter… come on, Skeeter, tell the people who to call when they need help with problem pests. “If critters are putting a burr up your backside… then… roll on down to Bobby’s Big Rig Emporium and chrome shop, serving the tri-state area since 1952!” Darn you, Skeeter!! For once in your cursed life, could you do what you're told and tell the people to call Home Defenders! Shape up, buster—or ship out! Uh, sorry about that outburst, folks. Skeeter just drives me nuts. Anyway, be sure and check back next week when I outline—in painstaking, sadistic detail—how to get rid of a problem rat. “Negatory on that, good buddy. You’d go crazy without me.” (Long sigh.) 10-4 on that, Skeeter… 10-4 on that, good buddy. Have a burr-up-your-backside free week, everybody!
 Hey, reader, I have a question. How old were you when you felt you knew everything about life? Eight? Ten? Personally, I was a first-class know-it-all by the time I was twelve. Having crowned myself the earthly lord of time, space, and knowledge, I stopped listening to adults giving out warnings. Warnings did, however, sometimes squeeze through my thick skull, perhaps by divine intervention. God protects fools and babies. I remember the sunny morning on our grandparents’ Illinois farm when my brother Dave and I told Grandpa we were heading to Bear Crick to hunt Indian artifacts. We would walk across the “north forty” cow pasture to get there. No big deal. We told Grandpa of our plan. “Listen, boys,” he said with a grim stare. “I moved the bull into that pasture yesterday. Never turn your back on a bull—he’ll kill ya dead.” Ten minutes later, we climbed the rusty barbed wire fence and jumped into the cow pasture. Walking toward Bear Crick, I kept my eyes locked on that black bull peacefully munching green Illinois grass. He was the most powerful animal I’d ever seen, and I had no doubt he could kill me dead. When it came to matters of life and death, Grandpa knew best. Since I (usually) don’t like uninvited warnings, I avoid giving them out. When homeowners need help, one phone call brings my company to their rescue—no warnings given. But, once in a while, like Grandpa, I dish out a warning. Listen, folks, never let branches touch your home. Ants live in trees, and branches are their gateways to the fertile pasture that is your kitchen. I’ve treated thousands of houses, and sometimes, the only way to eliminate ants—despite my arsenal of 21st-century products—is to grab my ladder, climb to the roof, and cut branches. If you can’t safely cut your branches, call a professional tree trimmer. The sooner, the better. Lastly, if I come to your home and see branches touching your roof, well… I recommend you avoid cow pastures. Have a bull-free week, everyone!
A Ripping Mystery! Have I done it? Have I, Dr. John Watson, bested the great Sherlock Holmes? Can I now take my place alongside him, not as his storyteller, but as his colleague? The facts are these: While on holiday visiting my cousin William in the mountain community of Big Bear Lake, California, we experienced a strange phenomenon. Every evening, as we returned from our daytime excursions, we found a live bird in the home, a jay of some sort. We secured the cabin daily, but the bird returned, which we released outside. This pattern repeated for a week. I cabled the pertinent facts to Holmes in London and awaited his response. None came. Had an ordinary bird puzzled the man who outwitted the brilliant Dr. Moriarty? Receiving no aid from Holmes, I applied myself to the problem. First, I examined the cabin’s exterior, high and low, looking for clues. In Big Bear, mountain cabins are covered in wood siding, and woodpeckers make many holes, but I found none. On the verge of giving up, I glanced skyward. Eureka! Upon returning to London, I rushed to 221B Baker Street. Holmes sat in his settee, smoking his favorite cherrywood pipe, casually blowing smoke rings to the ceiling. I hastened to speak, but he spoke first. “The metal screen at the top of the chimney, called a spark arrestor, was faulty or missing entirely. The feathered intruder tried to build a nest on the chimney ledge and, in its labours, fell down the flue, landing inside the cabin. I trust your cousin had the spark arrestor repaired.” “But Holmes, why didn’t you telegraph me with the answer?” “And deny you a splendid mystery to solve while on holiday!” Thus, my dream of working as an equal partner to Sherlock Holmes came to a sudden and humbling end. I must remain content to pen his adventures for all the world to read. No, readers, I, John Watson, am no Sherlock Holmes. However, upon reflection… I would love to see Holmes take the bits and pieces of human folly and weave them into a ripping detective yarn!
Revenge of the Beer Drinkers What is the most misunderstood critter on the mountain? Putting the question another way, what insect do homeowners most often misidentify? Here is my answer: yellowjackets. Let’s clear up this mystery. Many people think yellowjackets are bees, but they are not bees. Yellowjackets are wasps. What is the difference? Bees (European honeybees) sport a light coat of downy hair and are bred to pollinate. According to the USDA, 75 percent of fruits, vegetables, and nuts in the United States are pollinated by bees. Honeybees can only sting one time because their stinger is barbed, and bees cannot remove it without pulling out their guts. How did European honeybees migrate to the Americas? The Virginia Company of London sent the first honeybees to America in 1622. The bees that nest in our wall voids are descendants of those rugged world travelers. By contrast, most American yellowjacket species were born in the U.S.A. Yellowjackets sport a spartan buzz cut and feed on caterpillars, harmful flies, and other pests that damage plants. They also feed on the carcasses of dead animals and rotting fruit. Unfortunately, they love beer and barbecue, as many Fourth of July revelers discover the hard way. Unlike bees, yellowjackets can sting multiple times. But why do they keep stinging over and over? Why not sting once, make their point, then fly away? An insect scientist (entomologist) might say, “Vespula pensylvanica repeatedly injects a pain-inducing, enzyme-rich venom as a mechanism of self-defense.” That sounds valid but somehow doesn’t answer the question. I’m no scientist, but enraged yellowjackets have stung me dozens of times, and I say they sting repeatedly because they’re vindictive little bastards. They torment humans simply because they can. Now, the good news. The first winter cold snap will kill off yellowjacket workers, leaving only the queens to hibernate the winter away. So when the snow starts flying, fire up your barbecue, guzzle some ice-cold beer, and enjoy the great outdoors 100% wasp-free. (Deck heaters are available at most hardware stores.) Have a torment-free week, everyone!
The Pain-a-Thon Brain scientists say the human brain is wired to love stories. They say that hearing a story about someone nearly getting killed helps us avoid the same fate. Amazing, huh? Today, I have a story about how the forest could have killed me last weekend. Brain scientists say you’re gonna love hearing this. I was hiking on a forest path when I felt the prick of a thorn in my ankle—no big deal. Within a millisecond, the pain escalated to screaming intensity. I’m a pest professional and a seasoned hiker, and I knew precisely what was to blame. Not them again! I reached down, pulled up the bottom of my left pant leg, and, sure enough, a yellowjacket (wasp) clung to my sock and was stinging the bejeezus out of my ankle. I brushed the critter aside, and it flew away, no harm done. What I did next could mean the difference between survival or death by allergic reaction. What did I do? I ran like a bat out of hell. Why? Because I might have unknowingly stepped on the hole in the ground that the yellowjacket colony used as a doorway to an underground nest, and, if so, dozens of reinforcements would have stung even more bejeezus out of me. I’ve had the dubious honor of experiencing a mass sting-a-thon, and it’s about the most intense pain imaginable. Not to mention the threat of allergic reaction. Luckily, no wasps chased me. My ankle tormenter likely got trapped under my pant leg by freak chance. Nevertheless, I quickened my pace home because people can have allergic reactions to wasp stings even if they’ve never experienced an allergic reaction. I arrived home and had no reaction. I was rewarded for letting the wasp fly away safely with three days of a swollen, painful, itchy ankle. No good deed, huh? Humans are wired to love stories, and hopefully, you enjoyed this one. As a bonus, brain scientists say it can help you stay alive. Since you are alive, reader, you’ve got a darn good brain up there! Use it wisely. Have a wasp-free week, everyone!
 What are the best things in life? A loving family? No doubt. Good friends? Sure, sign me up. A clean, quiet home? Sounds like a winner. Anything else? One of the best things in life is to be great at something, especially your job. I spent years of trial and error learning pest management and can now boast I am great at it. And when a man reaches the top in this business, new challenges are as exciting as the latest Mario game. For the cherry on top, I get paid to play. I experienced that excitement recently while starting a very challenging rat job. The best things in life are shared, so I called together two of my experienced workers, Gil and Alfredo, and showed them pictures of the massive rat infestation. For the next twenty minutes, we brainstormed on how to defeat the seemingly invisible rats. What a joy—three professionals calling on decades of hard-earned experience to help a homeowner. Ah, the thrill of the chase! A fly on the wall would not have understood our specialized language, and that only sweetens the pie. We belong to an exclusive club. Weeks later, after many hard-fought battles on both sides, I had rid the cabin of rats. The customer was thrilled, and so was I. A hero is a great thing to be. Pest professionals know the feeling well. If asked to give a commencement speech, I would tell the graduates to find work they enjoy and excel at. Take pride in being the best. Be a little cocky—then back up your swagger! Oh, and add a dash of style and panache for good measure. The world is filled with boring, mediocre people—dare to be the exception to the rule! Enough of this motivational stuff! A word to the wise is sufficient. Have a wise week, everyone!
 This past week, I finally solved a pest mystery that’s been dogging me for over a decade. Unfortunately, my customer had passed away, so the thrill of victory was bittersweet. The customer is king… even when they’re long gone. Mary, the homeowner, first called me in 2010 to get rats out of her elegant, custom house. For decades, other companies failed to eliminate the relentless rodents. Mary was at her wit’s end. I assured her I would eradicate the rats, and for the next 6 months, I fought hard to find the rat entry points and plug them. After every service call, I gave Mary a news brief of my progress. Finally, I could find no more rodent entry openings. But in rat control, you never know. One day, Mary called me, complaining of a foul odor in the bathroom. A dead rat, perhaps? I searched but found no openings. The source of unpleasant odors can vary, so I asked Mary to wait. The odor went away, but thirty-five years of pest experience told me a rat was to blame. Mary passed away in 2018, and her son moved in. Last week, he called me, saying rat droppings were falling from the bathroom’s exhaust fan in the ceiling. The clue I needed! I dashed over there, climbed up on the flat roof, and inspected the area above the bathroom. The only possible entry point was the fan outlet covered with a little metal roof. I grabbed an inspection mirror from my truck and peered down the throat like a dentist checking for cavities. No screen! What!? Who installs a bathroom vent cover on a flat roof with no screen to keep animals out? No matter. I rushed to give Mary’s son the great news, and he thanked me, but to him, I was just a worker doing his job. To Mary, I was the hero returning from the wars with tales of glory. She would have been thrilled. Wherever you are, Mary, I want you to know that I finally got the last rat out of your beloved home. Have a rat-free week, everyone!
 “Help Mike, it’s crawling on the screen door!” Erika called out frantically. “Quick, come get it!” I didn’t know what was scaring her, but it was a creature of some sort. I ran from my office into our main office and quickly spotted a small animal crawling on the outside of our front screen door. Wow, you just don’t see that in broad daylight. It looked like a mouse, but it was noon, and mice are rarely active during the day. As I got closer, the features of a cute mouse came into focus. Why was it active during the daytime? Well, that’s pest management for you—lots of questions with few answers. Yes, I’m writing about rodents again. But I can’t help it because when COVID-19 hit, rodent populations exploded and have remained high ever since. Why? People escaping the lockdown headed to the mountains and brought lots of food and treats. Also, several wet winters have created ideal conditions for rodents. Rain and snow bring an abundance of plant life. Plants offer seeds and create hiding places for small critters… and the rest is rodent history. Back at my office, I bolted outside as the rogue mouse jumped off the screen, ran straight up a stucco wall, then stopped in a corner and hung there. I was caught by surprise and did what any pest professional would: I pulled out my phone and took a picture. I then shooed the critter away. It belongs outside and will stay outside because our office has been professionally sealed against rodent entry. At Home Defenders, we have proven solutions against mouse pollutions. I strode back inside expecting a hero’s welcome, but Erika and the other secretaries were absorbed in their paperwork. Oh well… we mice-shooing heroes don’t expect thanks; we’re just happy to save the day. Hold on! Is that a big, hairy spider on the Venetian blind? Stand clear, ladies, I’ll save the day! Oh, wait, it’s just a harmless piece of fuzzy lint. Crisis averted… darn it! Have an unsung hero kind of week, everybody!
>> Are you in touch with what’s happening around you? Can you ride a motorcycle without getting run over? Do you know who owns that vacation house two doors down? Are you aware of the strengths and weaknesses of your co-workers? Are you aware of your own strengths and weaknesses? >> Can you laugh at yourself? Can you ignore insults? Do you view revenge as a waste of time and energy? Do you handle threats with poise? Can you go home and not worry about work? >> Can you admit when you’re wrong? Can you make a list of your own faults? Can you look at a dispute from the other person’s point of view? Do you regularly say to yourself: “That’s not good enough. I can do better”? Can you change lifelong habits? >> Are you self-disciplined? Can you effortlessly say no to alcohol/drugs? Do you burn through money? Can you give up recreation—for years—to build your business? Are you 100% committed? >> Do you trust your gut instincts? Are you confident you can handle whatever challenges might come? Do you easily and naturally think for yourself? Are you an original? >> Are you aware that we all have blind spots? Do you see the value of bouncing ideas off others? Can you spend an hour asking questions and listening? Do you have the patience to let answers come to you? >> Are you a natural-born leader? Are you comfortable saying: “OK, everybody, let’s get back to work.” Will you tell your workers what they don’t want to hear? Are you the adult in the room? If you answered “no” to most of these questions, you may not be ready to own a business. But if you think you’re ready, welcome to the club. Misery loves company! Did you laugh at that joke? If not, I recommend fully stocking your liquor cabinet before starting your business. Better yet, don’t quit your day job. Have a welcome-to-hell kind of week, everyone!
 Today, I will illustrate how to avoid a home fire. That may seem like an odd topic for a pest professional, but we deal with this issue every day. Rodents and their razor-sharp teeth never sleep. Most people know gas dryers can cause house fires. But do you know how to prevent dryer fires? I almost learned that lesson the hard way. Last week, I grabbed a flashlight, pulled out the lint trap from my dryer, and peered down the throat of the exhaust line. A wad of highly flammable lint partially blocked the flow of air. Yikes! Not sure how to proceed, I searched Amazon and found a “dryer vent cleaner kit” that comes with a long, flexible vacuum attachment. I bought the kit and sucked out the trapped lint. From that moment on, I started my dryer with confidence. Now, let’s talk about the dryer vent cover outside your home. Have you inspected it lately? If you haven’t, do it ASAP! Are the louvers (or the hinged flap) clogged with lint? Is the vent cover close to the ground where rodents have access? Have rodents chewed a hole in the louvers? Can you see rodent droppings in the duct’s interior? If the vent cover is clogged with lint, remove it with a screwdriver or shop vac. (Or whatever works.) If you see droppings inside the vent, call us to eliminate the rodents. We’ll replace the plastic cover with a chew-resistant metal one. Rats and mice chew through plastic like, well, rodent incisors through cheap plastic vent covers. (The Uniform Building Code should require metal vent covers, but that’s another matter.) I rarely give my readers homework assignments, but please inspect your dryer. Today! A stitch in time saves nine… as well as a charred home. Have a lint-free week, everybody.
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